Why I Won't Wait

(a continuation of sorts from my last post)

A person's a person, no matter how small. 

You know how when you're speaking of general societal 'rules' that those rules are governed by "they?"  They say you should wait until you're in your second trimester before you announce a pregnancy.    Well, they, I disagree.  I will not be paying much attention to the 'rules' anymore.
I think if I wait to tell people about another pregnancy (if that ever happens again) then I will be living in fear.  I will be waiting for what they say to come true. I am done living in fear.
What makes me most upset about having followed the rules set by the anonymous they is that
I had a baby and I lost it before I even got to tell anyone about that wonderful little life.  Thanks, they.  I didn't get to celebrate every day that miracle lived and grew in me.  My (extended) family and friends didn't get to love that little person like they would have if I'd only carried a little longer to make that silly 'you can make it official date'.  (As if a loss is any less 'official' before the second trimester).  My family and friends couldn't truly mourn because they hadn't even known about this little person.  We all lost.
And if I hadn't told anyone at all about the miscarriage?  People probably wouldn't have understood the moodiness or the anxiety.  People wouldn't have been as patient and kind.  Friends and family wouldn't have reached out and said, "me too."  The "they" that mattered were there for me.  They shared my pain.  They made my burden lighter.  And if anyone ever finds themselves where I was they will know I understand. Then maybe they won't feel alone.  And I would hope they could turn to me and be wrapped in the same comfort and love I was  given by others who had gone through it.
Life, all life, truly is a gift and a miracle.  And every day should be celebrated.  They seem to take that for granted.  So, if there ever is a next time I'm going to celebrate.  I'm going to live on faith.  I'm going to make it a big deal.  Because life (no matter how small) is a big deal.

And if God decides to call that child home I will praise Him through another storm.

Waking Up

I took a break from blogging because after our miscarriage there wasn't too much that seemed terribly important.  And, in all honesty, I wasn't doing a very good job of coping.  I certainly looked fine.  I mostly acted fine.  But inside I was a terrible mess.  It was a sneaky mess, too.  It even had me fooled.

I have this friend who is the opposite of a friend.  This visitor who comes to stay with me.  This visitor is restless, yet is incredibly polite-- never makes much noise and always ensures he does not leave any obvious marks of his presence.  Yet he constantly paces back and forth playing out all the what-ifs and must-be's of life.  This guest of mine whispers in those many quiet moments through the hurried days and silent nights.  

At first I noticed him.  Looked him over.  Understood why he was here.  Listened to what he said.  Took stock and even believed he had a right to stay.  But then with time and busyness I began to ignore him, but not completely.  And, make no mistake, this did not make him go away.  He stayed, but spoke even more fervently.  Ever present, quietly adding to the soundtrack of my daily life. 

Lies.  He is oh-so-good at lying. And the stories he tells!!  Stories that made my heart race and head spin.  Lies that made my breath short and my chest hurt.  Untruths that crippled me.  He turned light into dark.  Happiness into something that must be carefully, methodically guarded.  Open and free into condemned and shackled.  

Except my loss has finally become my gain.  My pain has become my freedom.  My fears have been relieved.  

And so, my old friend, it's time we said goodbye.  You've taken up residence in my head for far too long.  You are no longer welcome.  

I'm waking up again.  God has stirred my soul. And I am forever thankful.

Wonder babies

Lately I've been thinking about how my doctors told me** I wouldn't get pregnant and if I did I'd likely miscarry and if I was actually pregnant then I would go into preterm labor. Well, with K I did go into preterm labor, so they were right on 1 of the 3 predictions. Even after I had K my new OBGYN looked at my medical record, did the physical exam, and then called K a 'miracle baby.'
After our miscarriage I've been beginning to wonder if the doctors are right and K really is my miracle baby. I wonder if she'll be our only child. It makes me sad to think that if I do have any more children K will be 3 before she has a sibling.
If she really is going to be my only child it makes me wonder how many other 'miracles' I have that I take for granted. I definitely didn't know that's what I was experiencing when I was pregnant with K. I'd like to think I've grown a little wiser and cherish her even more now (didn't know that was even possible).
This definitely wasn't how I envisioned her growing up. I used to say I wanted four kids. Now that I know how much work children are I don't know what I want. My heart still aches when I think of our loss-- who she (I dreamt our baby was a girl) was, how much K would have loved her, how much Mr and I love and miss our baby. I wish our baby was still safely growing, comforted by the sound of my heart and sway of my movements...
I put my faith in God and His plan. He will decide if I get any more 'miracle babies.' (And as Mr points out-- aren't all children miracles, really?) God is good and will see me through. And in the meantime He is my comfort.


** when i was 17 i had intense cramping pain and went to the doctor. After an internal ultrasound they determined I had a large cyst that had burst (yay PCOS). Also during the exam they discovered that I have a septate uterus and that means increased risk of miscarriage (70-90%) and high risk pregnancies.

Refined

With the Mr's latest news I have been thinking a lot about these trials we've gone through in the last year.

December 2011 we received orders to Okinawa. It wasn't until April that we had final word about if we were going as a family or not. Stressed. Me. Out.

End of May/ early June we moved and it was challenging but, honestly, it was mostly fun.

September the Mr. was offered the team leader position for SES, which he accepted. I was in AZ, but we talked it over and thought it would be a good opportunity (hah!). This would later mean he would work 6 weeks straight and often 10-12 hour days.

November the Mr's father died.

December the Mr was recommended for warrant officer. He declined. We also were fairly sick for a couple weeks.

Jan/Feb Mr put in for NCIS polygraph. We waited. They chose his coworker because his coworker had been on island longer and 'would be easier to justify pcs'ing early' as opposed to us who would have only been here a year.

March. We lost our pregnancy.

Also March. Mr has orders for recruiting duty. Orders for 12-14 hour days 6 days a week. *sigh*

Maybe I'm oblivious to my friend's lives but I think we've had a fair amount of trials this year. It makes me think God is refining us as we go through these trials. Giving us opportunities to give things to Him and to rely on Him.

So I look to psalm 66 and hope it is true of our lives:

For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid an oppressive burden upon our loins. You made men ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water, Yet You brought us out into a place of abundance. I shall come into Your house with burnt offerings; I shall pay You my vows, Which my lips uttered And my mouth spoke when I was in distress. I shall offer to You burnt offerings of fat beasts, With the smoke of rams; I shall make an offering of bulls with male goats. Selah. Come and hear, all who fear God, And I will tell of what He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, And He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard wickedness in my heart, The Lord will not hear; But certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer Nor His lovingkindness from me. (Psalms 66:10-20 NASB)

We told K as soon as we found out I was pregnant. She would point to my heart and say 'baby!' We tried to correct her and point to my tummy and tell her the baby was there. But K was adamant the baby was in my heart. 
Three days before I started showing signs of miscarriage K patted my back and said, 'baby. Shhhh.' I said, 'oh is the baby sleeping?' She said 'yesh'. I thought it was cute. I wonder if she knew. 
This morning K came and woke me up and we laid in bed cuddling for a little bit. Suddenly she said, 'baby!' My stomach dropped as I waited for her to point to my heart. I wasn't ready to have the conversation with her about what had happened. Then, she turned and pointed upward towards the ceiling. Yes, the baby is in Heaven and God is good.

I was a mess on Friday.  I sobbed on and off throughout the day.  I have an amazing husband.  He is so supportive and loving and I could not be more grateful for him.  I woke on saturday and felt better, but with every cramp or ache it was a reminder of what we lost and the feelings of "I'll be ok" gave way to "I don't want to go through this."
It's little things that remind me I'm no longer pregnant.  Writing that, "I'm no longer pregnant" poked at my heart.   As much as I have physical reminders of our loss it is the absense of other things that make the loss more tangible.  I no longer have to constantly think about how much water I'm drinking.  My boobs no longer ache.  I don't feel nauseous.  I shoved the prenatals off my nightstand into the drawer.  Things I thought about, worried about, griped about are no longer there.  just like that.
And I wish this sadness would go away. just like that.  But it comes and it goes.

Funny how just a few posts ago I was writing about my jealousy.  How I wish I had roots and family and friends to surround myself with.  It's these moments that God shows me his love for me.  This is such an easy time to feel alone and isolated.  Instead God has surrounded me with love and support in a way I didn't think was possible.  I feel so loved and cared for-- even though most of it is coming from over 7,000 miles away.  So though I grieve my loss, I am grateful for what I have gained: a new perspective and appreciation for just how loved I am.

loss.

Forewarning: I'm writing about my recent miscarriage






February 18th was a really good day.  We went to the Okinawa aquarium and then our friends watched  K while we went on a beautiful, sunset dinner date.  Afterwards I went home and took a pregnancy test and was kind of shocked to see a (very faint) positive test.  By week's end we had told our close friends and family. We were so excited.

March 3rd K and I were leaving our friend's home when she patted me on my back and said, "baby? shhhhh...."  I asked if baby was sleeping and she said, 'yesh.'  I thought it was awfully cute, but just 3 days later I began spotting.

Wednesday (3/6) night I went to the ER-- they were concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. They took blood and after confirming it was not an ectopic pregnancy asked me to come back friday morning. Thursday I tried to keep my mind off of the previous day and cleaned all day.  I didn't spot, I didn't cramp and felt great.

Friday (3/8) morning I went to the doctor's office cautiously optimistic, but knowing the blood I had seen that morning wasn't a good sign.  I had blood drawn and an hour later had another ultrasound.  The doctor could not find the pregnancy, but I was still so early in the pregnancy they had kind of expected as much.  The doctor then left to check if the blood results came back.  We were weary, but didn't want to give up hope.  But then the doctor with the kind smile and cartoon uterus pin came back in with the news: my HCG levels were not increasing.  It meant the pregnancy was in the early stages of miscarriage or it was an ectopic pregnancy.  My heart broke and our dreams crashed.

In the beginning I only had to tell K once that I was pregnant.  She frequently pointed to my heart and said "babies!"  I kept trying to correct her, point to my tummy and said, "no, baby is here." But she'd point to my heart and say 'babies!"  I guess she always knew.  I'll carry this baby forever in my heart.

An update in pictures

What I've been up to:




I fell in love with sushi





Alananana and I have duty dates. She meets me for dinner on days K has a 24 shift. We explore. We try new stuff. It's kind of awesome. Annnnd it means I regularly spend good time with a great friend!




I need to find better ways to entertain my child.




Sometimes I take K to her very favorite place: the beach.







I love that on 'cold' (mid-sixties) winter days we can spend our afternoons here.




Daddy brought K a Valentine rose, which she loved.



K was terribly spoiled for her 2nd birthday. I think we're going to make it a tradition.




We went to K's favorite ramen restaurant for her birthday dinner and Mari, who has become our friend at the restaurant, gave this to K.


K loves this helmet she found at the ¥100 store.





My friends and I got a pedicure at Coco K's. The technicians hand painted everything. I was so impressed.




My little girl is growing up way too fast.




I terrorize my poor dog




K and I went on a really nice dinner date and this was our view.




I sipped warm apple wine as the sun set. It was wonderful.




Life is good.

Jealousy

I love my life in Japan...  I love living here.  I love the culture and amazing people, the food, and this beautiful, tiny island.  I have 2 church homes and amazing friends,  but I miss my family.  I miss being just a 6 hour drive or 40 minute plane ride from my very favorite people outside the ones who live in my home.  And now we have baby 2 on the way.  And I get insanely jealous and have a little heartache knowing my parents won't be there for the birth.  In fact, the only family that will be at the birth will be the one we've created here.  I love my Okinawa family-- they mean the world to me, but they aren't going to have that same look of unconditional, forever love that my parents had when they first held K.
Oh and that jealousy.  That ugly, dark envious feeling when I think of my friends back home who see their family regularly.  Who have big baby showers and big weddings.  Who have roots and permanent homes.  Who can decorate a baby's room with intentions of that child growing into that room.  Who have a simple, easy answer to "where are you from?"
Reality smacks me upside the head.  How dare I belittle my life?  My fun, exciting life that is spent overseas, living out someone else's dream... belittling what I do have-- my health, my beautiful, wonderful child, and a husband who goes to hell and back for me-- because I don't have something else.  Forgetting that I am able to have a child when my heart aches for my friend who has to rely on medicine for a mere chance at conceiving.  How ungrateful am I?
But it's there.  That green monster rears its ugly head and overshadows my blessings and my truths.
My husband is incredible and supportive and a good man and more than I could ask for as the father of my children.  He tries to bridge that gap.  Talked about flying my parents here, but forgot that K was an emergency c-section and likely this child will be, too.  Forgot that even if I actually am afforded the opportunity to labor and my parents left immediately they would only be halfway across the ocean by the time baby is born...
It's the life of a military wife.  I am growing more and more weary of this out-of-my-control life.  I know that outside-looking-in it looks like I am strong and independent, but I'm not brave enough to put on that face.  My heart aches and waits for that day I have a permanent home.

We haven't been up to much lately. I've been busy with school and trying to be a productive student and productive momma.

We regularly meet 'Nana' for dinner when K has duty (24 hour shifts). This last time we went to a sushi bar.






Oh no! I just realized I took a photo when the conveyor belt was empty! I must have been preoccupied with the chef and his blowtorch. He was making this:



Kanikama cheese which was crab and cheese. It wasn't what I expected, but it was ok.




I believe this was spicy tuna rolls and an avocado crab roll. I had rainbow tuna, but devoured that before I snapped a photo.
I always forget to take photos until after I've started eating. I'm just so excited to eat and try something new that I forget.
At this place you grab plates off the conveyor belt (or you can order off the menu) then they count up your plates at the end of your meal and give you the bill. We had a lot to eat and it was only ¥2200. I don't think I'll ever be able to eat sushi in the states. Japan is spoiling me.


Little K and I also met up with her boyfriend at the Children's museum inside the zoo. I really wish the museum wasn't inside the zoo because we would go frequently if we didn't have to pay the zoo admission every time. It's only ¥500 for the zoo, but it's an additional ¥200 for the museum.




Anyway, Kate had fun playing with these faucets.





Afterwards we went out in the zoo to the pond and fed the fish and geese. We had to leave early because the weather turned and got chilly and rainy.

So, like I said. Not a whole lot is going on.

Cherry blossoms

We went to the cherry blossom festival in Nago today. It wasn't


very blossomy. But it was pretty and there was some yummy street fair food, which we devoured before I remembered to take photos. Bad on me.











We trekked up this mountain Nd the guys were kind enough to give the mommas a break with the strollers.








We went over this expansion bridge, but apparently my fun photos are on my actual camera.




Afterwards we ran into a tug of war contest. The guys jumped in for a few games. They took the kiddos with once, but they were not happy about that!














They also had snow, which the local kids were really excited about.




It was a pretty successful trip as I (driver) was the only one awake within 5 minutes of us leaving.





I'm sure he'll be thrilled I posted this picture ;)

The zoo!

Monday was a gorgeous day, so we decided to head over to the zoo. It's about 10 minutes (that's probably an overestimate) from our home. I figured it couldn't be that big since it's densely populated around us.

The Okinawa Zoo is really depressing compared to the ones back home. I probably have this view because I'm used to the San Diego Zoo, Lincoln Park Zoo, and Brookfield Zoo. At any rate, it is only ¥500/ adult and children under 4 are free.
Baby girl (I need to find a different name to call her on here) was terrified of everything except the bunnies and crocodiles. She is so frightened by turtles (so random) that she literally shakes in fear.




These elephants are going to look awesome midsummer when the plants are a little bit bigger. I have this new-found love for elephants after I read an article about them in National Geographic. They are incredible creatures!


At the zoo they had an 'old Okinawa home' which was really interesting.






The stone wall that enclosed the home







Crop storage. To the left of this was the well, but apparently I took that photo with my actual camera because it's not on my phone.







Stall where animals were kept






Pig stall and, apparently, also the bathroom.







The guest house or where the eldest son would live once he had his own family.







The main home.






The main room where they relax. The altar is where they put offerings to their ancestors spirits. I think they use it for other religious rituals, but I haven't read too much about it yet. The mats on the floor are tatami mats. They keep heat in during the winter and cool in the summer. They are also easily damaged so they are treated with care.
I really enjoyed learning about the home. It is easy to see why this culture is so family-oriented. There is no way someone could live in this type of close quarters and not be invested in their family. I also really appreciated how self-sufficient this home is. I imagine the inhabitants could have easily lived independently off their land. It's a shame most places like this on island were destroyed during the battle of Okinawa. Very few structures survived the war and I believe this is only a replica.

After we visited the home we went on to the actual zoo.



The monkey exhibit. There were like 6-8 cages of monkeys and most only had 1 monkey of each species in it. There were a couple that had 3 or 4 monkeys each though.





Hubby (taking name suggestions for him, too) liked this guy. He said his eyebrows reminded him of R. Lee Ermy.







I was a fan of this guy and his rainbow behind.




I have never seen an anteater this big before. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever seen an anteater.




Hippo exhibit was kind of sad




The poor lone Chimpanzee didn't even have anything to swing on and made lots of noise to protest that fact.




I've never been this close to a lion. He was the only guy in his enclosure, but he was next to a female lion's enclosure.
Maybe that's why there was this sign:


You can watch them roar here:
http://youtu.be/JP-vOinIIr4


The giraffes were pretty friendly and followed K around. At the end of the enclosure they were maybe only 2-3 feet away.




Poor elephant :(







Little K liked to pet the bunnies. At the petting zoo they had a goat, bunnies, chicks, guinea pigs, and turtles you could feed and pet. Little K wouldn't go near any of them except the bunnies.

There was this sign:



After that we walked down to the pier where we fed humongous carp and birds









On our way back to the car they were walking the ponies around the zoo. Right before the exit they were playing with the elephant


I felt bad for him. He was doing tricks and had a chain around his ankle.
We left and baby girl was so exhausted she fell asleep 2 minutes into the car ride while she was taking off her socks.