Waking Up

I took a break from blogging because after our miscarriage there wasn't too much that seemed terribly important.  And, in all honesty, I wasn't doing a very good job of coping.  I certainly looked fine.  I mostly acted fine.  But inside I was a terrible mess.  It was a sneaky mess, too.  It even had me fooled.

I have this friend who is the opposite of a friend.  This visitor who comes to stay with me.  This visitor is restless, yet is incredibly polite-- never makes much noise and always ensures he does not leave any obvious marks of his presence.  Yet he constantly paces back and forth playing out all the what-ifs and must-be's of life.  This guest of mine whispers in those many quiet moments through the hurried days and silent nights.  

At first I noticed him.  Looked him over.  Understood why he was here.  Listened to what he said.  Took stock and even believed he had a right to stay.  But then with time and busyness I began to ignore him, but not completely.  And, make no mistake, this did not make him go away.  He stayed, but spoke even more fervently.  Ever present, quietly adding to the soundtrack of my daily life. 

Lies.  He is oh-so-good at lying. And the stories he tells!!  Stories that made my heart race and head spin.  Lies that made my breath short and my chest hurt.  Untruths that crippled me.  He turned light into dark.  Happiness into something that must be carefully, methodically guarded.  Open and free into condemned and shackled.  

Except my loss has finally become my gain.  My pain has become my freedom.  My fears have been relieved.  

And so, my old friend, it's time we said goodbye.  You've taken up residence in my head for far too long.  You are no longer welcome.  

I'm waking up again.  God has stirred my soul. And I am forever thankful.