loss.

Forewarning: I'm writing about my recent miscarriage






February 18th was a really good day.  We went to the Okinawa aquarium and then our friends watched  K while we went on a beautiful, sunset dinner date.  Afterwards I went home and took a pregnancy test and was kind of shocked to see a (very faint) positive test.  By week's end we had told our close friends and family. We were so excited.

March 3rd K and I were leaving our friend's home when she patted me on my back and said, "baby? shhhhh...."  I asked if baby was sleeping and she said, 'yesh.'  I thought it was awfully cute, but just 3 days later I began spotting.

Wednesday (3/6) night I went to the ER-- they were concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. They took blood and after confirming it was not an ectopic pregnancy asked me to come back friday morning. Thursday I tried to keep my mind off of the previous day and cleaned all day.  I didn't spot, I didn't cramp and felt great.

Friday (3/8) morning I went to the doctor's office cautiously optimistic, but knowing the blood I had seen that morning wasn't a good sign.  I had blood drawn and an hour later had another ultrasound.  The doctor could not find the pregnancy, but I was still so early in the pregnancy they had kind of expected as much.  The doctor then left to check if the blood results came back.  We were weary, but didn't want to give up hope.  But then the doctor with the kind smile and cartoon uterus pin came back in with the news: my HCG levels were not increasing.  It meant the pregnancy was in the early stages of miscarriage or it was an ectopic pregnancy.  My heart broke and our dreams crashed.

In the beginning I only had to tell K once that I was pregnant.  She frequently pointed to my heart and said "babies!"  I kept trying to correct her, point to my tummy and said, "no, baby is here." But she'd point to my heart and say 'babies!"  I guess she always knew.  I'll carry this baby forever in my heart.