I was a mess on Friday.  I sobbed on and off throughout the day.  I have an amazing husband.  He is so supportive and loving and I could not be more grateful for him.  I woke on saturday and felt better, but with every cramp or ache it was a reminder of what we lost and the feelings of "I'll be ok" gave way to "I don't want to go through this."
It's little things that remind me I'm no longer pregnant.  Writing that, "I'm no longer pregnant" poked at my heart.   As much as I have physical reminders of our loss it is the absense of other things that make the loss more tangible.  I no longer have to constantly think about how much water I'm drinking.  My boobs no longer ache.  I don't feel nauseous.  I shoved the prenatals off my nightstand into the drawer.  Things I thought about, worried about, griped about are no longer there.  just like that.
And I wish this sadness would go away. just like that.  But it comes and it goes.

Funny how just a few posts ago I was writing about my jealousy.  How I wish I had roots and family and friends to surround myself with.  It's these moments that God shows me his love for me.  This is such an easy time to feel alone and isolated.  Instead God has surrounded me with love and support in a way I didn't think was possible.  I feel so loved and cared for-- even though most of it is coming from over 7,000 miles away.  So though I grieve my loss, I am grateful for what I have gained: a new perspective and appreciation for just how loved I am.