Refined

With the Mr's latest news I have been thinking a lot about these trials we've gone through in the last year.

December 2011 we received orders to Okinawa. It wasn't until April that we had final word about if we were going as a family or not. Stressed. Me. Out.

End of May/ early June we moved and it was challenging but, honestly, it was mostly fun.

September the Mr. was offered the team leader position for SES, which he accepted. I was in AZ, but we talked it over and thought it would be a good opportunity (hah!). This would later mean he would work 6 weeks straight and often 10-12 hour days.

November the Mr's father died.

December the Mr was recommended for warrant officer. He declined. We also were fairly sick for a couple weeks.

Jan/Feb Mr put in for NCIS polygraph. We waited. They chose his coworker because his coworker had been on island longer and 'would be easier to justify pcs'ing early' as opposed to us who would have only been here a year.

March. We lost our pregnancy.

Also March. Mr has orders for recruiting duty. Orders for 12-14 hour days 6 days a week. *sigh*

Maybe I'm oblivious to my friend's lives but I think we've had a fair amount of trials this year. It makes me think God is refining us as we go through these trials. Giving us opportunities to give things to Him and to rely on Him.

So I look to psalm 66 and hope it is true of our lives:

For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid an oppressive burden upon our loins. You made men ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water, Yet You brought us out into a place of abundance. I shall come into Your house with burnt offerings; I shall pay You my vows, Which my lips uttered And my mouth spoke when I was in distress. I shall offer to You burnt offerings of fat beasts, With the smoke of rams; I shall make an offering of bulls with male goats. Selah. Come and hear, all who fear God, And I will tell of what He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, And He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard wickedness in my heart, The Lord will not hear; But certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer Nor His lovingkindness from me. (Psalms 66:10-20 NASB)

We told K as soon as we found out I was pregnant. She would point to my heart and say 'baby!' We tried to correct her and point to my tummy and tell her the baby was there. But K was adamant the baby was in my heart. 
Three days before I started showing signs of miscarriage K patted my back and said, 'baby. Shhhh.' I said, 'oh is the baby sleeping?' She said 'yesh'. I thought it was cute. I wonder if she knew. 
This morning K came and woke me up and we laid in bed cuddling for a little bit. Suddenly she said, 'baby!' My stomach dropped as I waited for her to point to my heart. I wasn't ready to have the conversation with her about what had happened. Then, she turned and pointed upward towards the ceiling. Yes, the baby is in Heaven and God is good.

I was a mess on Friday.  I sobbed on and off throughout the day.  I have an amazing husband.  He is so supportive and loving and I could not be more grateful for him.  I woke on saturday and felt better, but with every cramp or ache it was a reminder of what we lost and the feelings of "I'll be ok" gave way to "I don't want to go through this."
It's little things that remind me I'm no longer pregnant.  Writing that, "I'm no longer pregnant" poked at my heart.   As much as I have physical reminders of our loss it is the absense of other things that make the loss more tangible.  I no longer have to constantly think about how much water I'm drinking.  My boobs no longer ache.  I don't feel nauseous.  I shoved the prenatals off my nightstand into the drawer.  Things I thought about, worried about, griped about are no longer there.  just like that.
And I wish this sadness would go away. just like that.  But it comes and it goes.

Funny how just a few posts ago I was writing about my jealousy.  How I wish I had roots and family and friends to surround myself with.  It's these moments that God shows me his love for me.  This is such an easy time to feel alone and isolated.  Instead God has surrounded me with love and support in a way I didn't think was possible.  I feel so loved and cared for-- even though most of it is coming from over 7,000 miles away.  So though I grieve my loss, I am grateful for what I have gained: a new perspective and appreciation for just how loved I am.

loss.

Forewarning: I'm writing about my recent miscarriage






February 18th was a really good day.  We went to the Okinawa aquarium and then our friends watched  K while we went on a beautiful, sunset dinner date.  Afterwards I went home and took a pregnancy test and was kind of shocked to see a (very faint) positive test.  By week's end we had told our close friends and family. We were so excited.

March 3rd K and I were leaving our friend's home when she patted me on my back and said, "baby? shhhhh...."  I asked if baby was sleeping and she said, 'yesh.'  I thought it was awfully cute, but just 3 days later I began spotting.

Wednesday (3/6) night I went to the ER-- they were concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. They took blood and after confirming it was not an ectopic pregnancy asked me to come back friday morning. Thursday I tried to keep my mind off of the previous day and cleaned all day.  I didn't spot, I didn't cramp and felt great.

Friday (3/8) morning I went to the doctor's office cautiously optimistic, but knowing the blood I had seen that morning wasn't a good sign.  I had blood drawn and an hour later had another ultrasound.  The doctor could not find the pregnancy, but I was still so early in the pregnancy they had kind of expected as much.  The doctor then left to check if the blood results came back.  We were weary, but didn't want to give up hope.  But then the doctor with the kind smile and cartoon uterus pin came back in with the news: my HCG levels were not increasing.  It meant the pregnancy was in the early stages of miscarriage or it was an ectopic pregnancy.  My heart broke and our dreams crashed.

In the beginning I only had to tell K once that I was pregnant.  She frequently pointed to my heart and said "babies!"  I kept trying to correct her, point to my tummy and said, "no, baby is here." But she'd point to my heart and say 'babies!"  I guess she always knew.  I'll carry this baby forever in my heart.

An update in pictures

What I've been up to:




I fell in love with sushi





Alananana and I have duty dates. She meets me for dinner on days K has a 24 shift. We explore. We try new stuff. It's kind of awesome. Annnnd it means I regularly spend good time with a great friend!




I need to find better ways to entertain my child.




Sometimes I take K to her very favorite place: the beach.







I love that on 'cold' (mid-sixties) winter days we can spend our afternoons here.




Daddy brought K a Valentine rose, which she loved.



K was terribly spoiled for her 2nd birthday. I think we're going to make it a tradition.




We went to K's favorite ramen restaurant for her birthday dinner and Mari, who has become our friend at the restaurant, gave this to K.


K loves this helmet she found at the ¥100 store.





My friends and I got a pedicure at Coco K's. The technicians hand painted everything. I was so impressed.




My little girl is growing up way too fast.




I terrorize my poor dog




K and I went on a really nice dinner date and this was our view.




I sipped warm apple wine as the sun set. It was wonderful.




Life is good.

Jealousy

I love my life in Japan...  I love living here.  I love the culture and amazing people, the food, and this beautiful, tiny island.  I have 2 church homes and amazing friends,  but I miss my family.  I miss being just a 6 hour drive or 40 minute plane ride from my very favorite people outside the ones who live in my home.  And now we have baby 2 on the way.  And I get insanely jealous and have a little heartache knowing my parents won't be there for the birth.  In fact, the only family that will be at the birth will be the one we've created here.  I love my Okinawa family-- they mean the world to me, but they aren't going to have that same look of unconditional, forever love that my parents had when they first held K.
Oh and that jealousy.  That ugly, dark envious feeling when I think of my friends back home who see their family regularly.  Who have big baby showers and big weddings.  Who have roots and permanent homes.  Who can decorate a baby's room with intentions of that child growing into that room.  Who have a simple, easy answer to "where are you from?"
Reality smacks me upside the head.  How dare I belittle my life?  My fun, exciting life that is spent overseas, living out someone else's dream... belittling what I do have-- my health, my beautiful, wonderful child, and a husband who goes to hell and back for me-- because I don't have something else.  Forgetting that I am able to have a child when my heart aches for my friend who has to rely on medicine for a mere chance at conceiving.  How ungrateful am I?
But it's there.  That green monster rears its ugly head and overshadows my blessings and my truths.
My husband is incredible and supportive and a good man and more than I could ask for as the father of my children.  He tries to bridge that gap.  Talked about flying my parents here, but forgot that K was an emergency c-section and likely this child will be, too.  Forgot that even if I actually am afforded the opportunity to labor and my parents left immediately they would only be halfway across the ocean by the time baby is born...
It's the life of a military wife.  I am growing more and more weary of this out-of-my-control life.  I know that outside-looking-in it looks like I am strong and independent, but I'm not brave enough to put on that face.  My heart aches and waits for that day I have a permanent home.