Why I Won't Wait

(a continuation of sorts from my last post)

A person's a person, no matter how small. 

You know how when you're speaking of general societal 'rules' that those rules are governed by "they?"  They say you should wait until you're in your second trimester before you announce a pregnancy.    Well, they, I disagree.  I will not be paying much attention to the 'rules' anymore.
I think if I wait to tell people about another pregnancy (if that ever happens again) then I will be living in fear.  I will be waiting for what they say to come true. I am done living in fear.
What makes me most upset about having followed the rules set by the anonymous they is that
I had a baby and I lost it before I even got to tell anyone about that wonderful little life.  Thanks, they.  I didn't get to celebrate every day that miracle lived and grew in me.  My (extended) family and friends didn't get to love that little person like they would have if I'd only carried a little longer to make that silly 'you can make it official date'.  (As if a loss is any less 'official' before the second trimester).  My family and friends couldn't truly mourn because they hadn't even known about this little person.  We all lost.
And if I hadn't told anyone at all about the miscarriage?  People probably wouldn't have understood the moodiness or the anxiety.  People wouldn't have been as patient and kind.  Friends and family wouldn't have reached out and said, "me too."  The "they" that mattered were there for me.  They shared my pain.  They made my burden lighter.  And if anyone ever finds themselves where I was they will know I understand. Then maybe they won't feel alone.  And I would hope they could turn to me and be wrapped in the same comfort and love I was  given by others who had gone through it.
Life, all life, truly is a gift and a miracle.  And every day should be celebrated.  They seem to take that for granted.  So, if there ever is a next time I'm going to celebrate.  I'm going to live on faith.  I'm going to make it a big deal.  Because life (no matter how small) is a big deal.

And if God decides to call that child home I will praise Him through another storm.

Waking Up

I took a break from blogging because after our miscarriage there wasn't too much that seemed terribly important.  And, in all honesty, I wasn't doing a very good job of coping.  I certainly looked fine.  I mostly acted fine.  But inside I was a terrible mess.  It was a sneaky mess, too.  It even had me fooled.

I have this friend who is the opposite of a friend.  This visitor who comes to stay with me.  This visitor is restless, yet is incredibly polite-- never makes much noise and always ensures he does not leave any obvious marks of his presence.  Yet he constantly paces back and forth playing out all the what-ifs and must-be's of life.  This guest of mine whispers in those many quiet moments through the hurried days and silent nights.  

At first I noticed him.  Looked him over.  Understood why he was here.  Listened to what he said.  Took stock and even believed he had a right to stay.  But then with time and busyness I began to ignore him, but not completely.  And, make no mistake, this did not make him go away.  He stayed, but spoke even more fervently.  Ever present, quietly adding to the soundtrack of my daily life. 

Lies.  He is oh-so-good at lying. And the stories he tells!!  Stories that made my heart race and head spin.  Lies that made my breath short and my chest hurt.  Untruths that crippled me.  He turned light into dark.  Happiness into something that must be carefully, methodically guarded.  Open and free into condemned and shackled.  

Except my loss has finally become my gain.  My pain has become my freedom.  My fears have been relieved.  

And so, my old friend, it's time we said goodbye.  You've taken up residence in my head for far too long.  You are no longer welcome.  

I'm waking up again.  God has stirred my soul. And I am forever thankful.